The End

As you lay in my arms I look at your precious face. I take in every little squishy part of you, you're not going to be my little baby for long, it's hard to believe that you are nearly 4 months old. Your big, blue eyes stare at me and I feel your warmth, you are safe in my arms. You grip my hand tightly, I love the way do that. Your grip is vice like, I want to slow down time, I don't want you to get bigger, I want us to stay in this little baby bubble for a little bit longer. You are my precious little bundle, you're Mummy's girl.

It's likely that you will be my last baby. Not overly my choice but my husband is adamant we are having no more (so much so he's considering a vasectomy!!?). I'm not saying that I want another baby anytime soon, but to not even consider any more in the future is a strange feeling. It's still sinking in that it's unlikely I will ever experience pregnancy again, those little kicks and turns, the beautiful bump and the amazing feeling of growing a new life. As much as I moaned about being pregnant, secretly, deep down I loved that womanly feeling of being pregnant, if you can see what I mean?

If I'm being honest it's been playing on my mind quite alot. As time seems to be slipping away and you are rapidly changing every day the thought of never nurturing and snuggling a newborn again is quite upsetting. I never thought I was overly maternal, but clearly my ovaries are thinking differently. It's ok, I know eventually I'll come to terms with it, and of course I am extremely fortunate and blessed to have two beautiful children in my life already so it isn't the end of the world, but perhaps, just perhaps I would consider another at some point.

I've read alot about women feeling fulfilled after they've had children. I don't feel that I'm not unfulfilled but I find it odd at 31 that my pregnancy journey has ended. Perhaps, deep down I have a desire to carry another child. Who knows. Then who's to say that after a third I would then suddenly feel I have ticked all of the boxes and suddenly feel fulfilled? 

As I focus on the future I do have so much to look forward to. With Elarna we have all the wonderful milestones to come such as weaning, walking and talking and with Alfie we have the task of preparing him for school and helping him reach his goals and watch him develop into a proper little boy.  It is all very exciting and I do relish all of these things but there is something wonderfully unique about mothering a newborn. This could be hormones talking, who knows?  

I'm emotional at the moment, I am. I never used to cry much, now I will cry at anything, it's bizarre (and at times annoying and embarrassing). Everytime I hold you and look at you in my arms I feel an ache. I feel it, right in my stomach, it's like a knot and I know what it is. It's love, pure love. It's also sadness, everything is going by too quickly. I'm trying to take in every day that I have with you, everyday I tell you I love you as I do with Alfie. I never thought that I could share my motherly love, I worried that I wouldn't or couldn't love you as much as Alfie but I was wrong, so very wrong. Of course I was, there is so much love for both of you it's unreal. My two babies, always you will be my babies. 

Who  knows, maybe in a few years time hubby will change his mind. At the moment he is dead set in his way of thinking and I'm dealing with it. I have two beautiful children to occupy me and take my mind of it. I sometimes forget that before Alfie hubby didn't feel overly ready for children then so in hindsight I'm pretty lucky to have two now!

So right now I'm just to enjoy every single second of every single day that I spend with you because I know that one day you will be eighteen and I'll wonder where the hell time has gone. Then you'll be gone and we'll be left rattling around wondering when our babies grew up.