Wednesday, 12 August 2015

The End

As you lay in my arms I look at your precious face. I take in every little squishy part of you, you're not going to be my little baby for long, it's hard to believe that you are nearly 4 months old. Your big, blue eyes stare at me and I feel your warmth, you are safe in my arms. You grip my hand tightly, I love the way do that. Your grip is vice like, I want to slow down time, I don't want you to get bigger, I want us to stay in this little baby bubble for a little bit longer. You are my precious little bundle, you're Mummy's girl.



It's likely that you will be my last baby. Not overly my choice but my husband is adamant we are having no more (so much so he's considering a vasectomy!!?). I'm not saying that I want another baby anytime soon, but to not even consider any more in the future is a strange feeling. It's still sinking in that it's unlikely I will ever experience pregnancy again, those little kicks and turns, the beautiful bump and the amazing feeling of growing a new life. As much as I moaned about being pregnant, secretly, deep down I loved that womanly feeling of being pregnant, if you can see what I mean?



If I'm being honest it's been playing on my mind quite alot. As time seems to be slipping away and you are rapidly changing every day the thought of never nurturing and snuggling a newborn again is quite upsetting. I never thought I was overly maternal, but clearly my ovaries are thinking differently. It's ok, I know eventually I'll come to terms with it, and of course I am extremely fortunate and blessed to have two beautiful children in my life already so it isn't the end of the world, but perhaps, just perhaps I would consider another at some point.

I've read alot about women feeling fulfilled after they've had children. I don't feel that I'm not unfulfilled but I find it odd at 31 that my pregnancy journey has ended. Perhaps, deep down I have a desire to carry another child. Who knows. Then who's to say that after a third I would then suddenly feel I have ticked all of the boxes and suddenly feel fulfilled? 

As I focus on the future I do have so much to look forward to. With Elarna we have all the wonderful milestones to come such as weaning, walking and talking and with Alfie we have the task of preparing him for school and helping him reach his goals and watch him develop into a proper little boy.  It is all very exciting and I do relish all of these things but there is something wonderfully unique about mothering a newborn. This could be hormones talking, who knows?  



I'm emotional at the moment, I am. I never used to cry much, now I will cry at anything, it's bizarre (and at times annoying and embarrassing). Everytime I hold you and look at you in my arms I feel an ache. I feel it, right in my stomach, it's like a knot and I know what it is. It's love, pure love. It's also sadness, everything is going by too quickly. I'm trying to take in every day that I have with you, everyday I tell you I love you as I do with Alfie. I never thought that I could share my motherly love, I worried that I wouldn't or couldn't love you as much as Alfie but I was wrong, so very wrong. Of course I was, there is so much love for both of you it's unreal. My two babies, always you will be my babies. 

Who  knows, maybe in a few years time hubby will change his mind. At the moment he is dead set in his way of thinking and I'm dealing with it. I have two beautiful children to occupy me and take my mind of it. I sometimes forget that before Alfie hubby didn't feel overly ready for children then so in hindsight I'm pretty lucky to have two now!

So right now I'm just to enjoy every single second of every single day that I spend with you because I know that one day you will be eighteen and I'll wonder where the hell time has gone. Then you'll be gone and we'll be left rattling around wondering when our babies grew up.



Best of Worst


Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

28 comments:

  1. Oh Helen. This is the post you were on about. You never know when Elarna is a bit older, you may be able to convince Adi (you are soooo good at that!). I am already wondering how I feel if we have another and thinking I can't be pregnant again, as it was so lovely. It sounds like you are coping well with 2 though. Sending lots of love and hugs and hope this emotional time passes soon xxx #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, such a heartfelt post - I often think about the 'lasts' and feel sad that my little one is growing up but also then, like you, focus on all the exciting firsts we have to look forward to :) #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aw bless you. I'm a firm believer in what is meant to be will be. I hope everything works out for you all in the end. Give that gorgeous wee girl a cuddle from me.

    #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a lovely post. We are done at 2 and I feel the same as you, it's hard to think that pregnancy was my last and each of these baby milestones will be the last. That we won't have another baby again but there is still so much to look forward to x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautifully written! Our situation is the exact opposite, I'm the one who doesn't want any being 37 I think I'm old enough to have another one, while my husband want to have another one. At the moment, I can still be persuaded though as I love the feeling of being pregnant too, I miss having a baby every time I see one just like your little baby's cute photos. #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Helsy, written from the heart as ever. Motherhood is a funny thing and I am sure the hormones are playing their part in how you are feeling. You may feel differently when she is running you ragged in a few months. You are still really young so anything could happen in the next few years. Never say never! I have always wanted 3 - we only have one at the moment - but my hubby is adamant we stop at 2 (if we are lucky enough to have another) but they are allowed to change their mind - and we are too. There's still plenty of time but, as I know you are, be so grateful for those two you have- they are so special. Thanks for sharing #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  7. Such a lovely post and one I can wholeheartedly relate to as well. I've been having wobbles as my littlest just turned 10 months and I cant believe his birthday is coming so soon. I'd love another baby but I am not sure that we will x
    #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  8. I feel the same I long for a third baby my youngest is 2 and out of nappies which I'm really finding hard as I have no more babies. My eldest starting school in a few weeks and my ovaries are desperate for another. Been discussing it with Papa bear but the jury is out for now. I know I should be grateful for two (and I am) as some people can't have any children but my heart wants what it wants. The thing is if I had another I know I'd feel exactly the same and you have to stop at some point hugs x x x

    ReplyDelete
  9. I only have one boy and am so torn over the idea of another. I loved the feeling of being pregnant, but could I go through the toddler tantrums and current I-am-4-and-a-demon-in-angel-clothing again?! I don't know....lovely post xx
    #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  10. You read my mind; my second boy is 8 months and I'm considering another - especially as right now I can hear a newborn crying and just want to go outside and cuddle him - although if he was mine I'd be tearing my hair out right now; must remember that..... #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aww. I have two & only ever wanted two (OH wants more). But my youngest just turned one & I feel sad at no more babies. But any more now would end up being higher risk pregnancies due to age, and would limit chances of me eventually getting back to work & therefore limit the lifestyle we can provide for the kids, so I think two probably is right. & I think the fact is you would always have to stop at some point, and will always feel the loss of no more babies & how quick they are growing up - however many you have you can't put that off forever! #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  12. Such a beautiful post. I'm pretty sure we're going to be stopping at two, and like you, I'm not sure I want to. I think my husband feels the same way, but there are so many reasons why it's not a good reason to have a third that 'but I WANT one' just doesn't outweigh them. I can't quite imagine never being pregnant again, and it makes me sad. #bestand

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a wonderful post. I can relate to so much of what you have said. We are just beginning to think of baby no.2 but I am worried that I am still quite young, my other half only wants 2 children so does that mean I will always be longing for a third child. It's so hard isn't it. I also loved that womanly feeling of pregnancy, it really made me appreciate my body.
    Becky x
    #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ah Helen what a lovely post (she types, sniffing and wiping away the tears) I can identify with this so much. My youngest is nearly 2 1/2 so I've been coming to terms with her being my last for a lot longer - I think it does get (slightly) easier. Still not 100% sure I won't ever have another one though. I guess you never do until you get hit with the menopause?! Becky x #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  15. She's beautiful. I feel for you. It's a hard time in life to be at. Love post #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  16. What a beautiful post. And your little girl is soooo cute :) Thanks for hosting #bestandworst
    Debbie
    www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. What a really great post. I can feel the struggle that you are obviously having with this. I know we always said we would have three children and even after we had our third, we went through periods of thinking that we wanted another one. We have since gotten over that feeling. Really good stuff. #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  18. What a beautiful & honest post and beautifu little girl. Don't miss out on all those lovely new memories as they get older, the grandchildren will be knocking before we know it x

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think it must be fairly normal to feel like this. I remember it well. I'm not sure it ever really goes away, if I'm honest. I just have to let my sensible head win out, unfortunately!

    ReplyDelete
  20. That ache of pure love is the best feeling in the whole world. An overwhelming sense of ecstasy. Its addictive.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This is so lovely and I know exactly what you mean. I am on the verge of wanting another but am going to cherish the two I have for now. #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  22. I know how your feeling. And I understand that ache! Some days I say no more, then others I ache for more. But I think what will be will be #bestandworst xx

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is a bit emot...enjoy time with your baby and hope that as time goes on you may feel differently or he may soften?! At 4months it ain't a good time to talk about more lol. I hope whatever happens it sits right with you all and you feel at peace that your family is everyone who should be there and feels complete. X #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ooo that got me all emotional. I desperately want another little one so I understand the ache. Enjoy your baby bestandworst xx

    ReplyDelete
  25. Lovely post. Wishing you wisdom as you both work this one through.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Beautiful post. I wrote one similar a few month back as we decided that our third child is our last.
    Although I know that we don't want any more children, it was still emotional at the thought, especially when my husband went for a vasectomy.

    #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete
  27. Beautiful! I feel the same way, I feel like I need a third, but my OH doesn't. I can't get rid of that feeling though. :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm at the same stage. I would like another but The Hub doesn't. It's not choice really. He's scared about money and I don't really care, but I get his views and repeat them. Love this post. #bestandworst

    ReplyDelete

I absolutely love it when someone leaves me a comment, I will always reply back when possible! You can also follow me on twitter for more beautiful chatter: @Helsy_1983