For as long as I can remember I have struggled with body image. It started at a young age, but in my teenage years it definitely reached a peak. As soon as those hormones started surging and various things started to grow I definitely started with many, many insecurities. I have no idea if my close friends at that time realised the internal battles I was having and the extent that I went to to try and 'fit in' and be skinny, in fact I think it was only in the last few years that I fully opened up to my Mum about things....... but in this post I'm going to be very honest.
It was finding a picture among hundreds at my parents house that made me stop and remember and prompted me to write this. It's a photo that I don't really want to share as it upset me but basically it was a photo with my Mum and our dog and I was wearing an outfit that didn't flatter me at all. It showed all my lumps and bumps and the worst thing was the sadness that I could see in my eyes. There was no sparkle, no smile on my face and no happiness there at all.......I was just existing and horridly unhappy.
I take you back to my high school years, I started to smoke because it was 'cool'...and then there were boys, but boys didn't really pay attention to me, I guess I was a bit of a plain Jane to be honest with very little self confidence. I was plump and hid myself behind unflattering clothes, mainly black, my boobs were huge, I absolutely hated them.....I hated myself. Many a day I would cry my eyes out because of them....I couldn't understand why I had to live with these stupid, huge boobs.....erghhh, girl problems and all that. It didn't help that people thought calling me names was the way to go, the very creative 'Helen melon, 'brabera' and a variation of my maiden name.....'breaston', not so funny, people can be very cruel at times. Shopping for clothes and bra's was utterly miserable and often I would be in tears being consoled by my (long suffering) Mum and leaving the shops empty handed. I knew I needed some drastic action so during one summer holiday I decided that best way to resolve this was to start a 'starvation diet'(*disclaimer* this is my personal account and no way should anything like this be ever done, ever, ever......ok!). I went through days surviving on fags and an apple a day, or sometimes a bag of crisps. My Mum would make me lunch and tea, I would pretend to eat and then I would throw it in the bin and hide it............I would also eat chewing gum to curb my appetite. When I look back I do not know how the hell I survived, these days if I go without lunch I turn into a hangry beast!
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| Feeling very fat next to Sarah!
I would try and make myself sick if I felt I had eaten too much but couldn't do it as I hated the feeling of puking. I think I was so, so close to becoming anorexic or at least having some major eating disorder, I remember feeling consumed by wanting to be skinny, not a nice feeling and such strong thoughts for a 14/15 year old. When I returned to school I knew that I had lost a lot of weight, clothes were hanging off me and one of my friends even commented about how much weight I had lost. I wish I could find some photos to show the weight loss but I don't have any as they are all at my parents. Meeting Adi, my now husband was one of the things that pulled me out of the mess that I was in, it wasn't just a case of me not eating much I wasn't really in a great way with my social life.....I was getting up to all sorts of bother (drinking, smoking naughty things and messing around with the wrong sort of boys). I was not a very nice person to life with either, yes I was in the teenage years but I treated my parents house like a hotel at times.
Adi, bless him, slowly built me back up and over time my confidence grew, I started to eat more and actually started to enjoy food, I began to feel like I had a worth. I never considered taking my own life or anything like that but at times I was definitely very, very low. I think come 17 I was feeling in a much better place and focusing more on the future, I turned in corner in my life and I'm so thankful for that.
I have a tendency to ramble on.....so I'll try keep it a reasonable length. Through the last few years I put on alot of weight, in 2012 I was at my biggest.......the dress I was wearing in the above picture was a size 18, I was disgusted with myself that I had let myself get this big, I had a whole wardrobe of clothes that I could hardly fit into. Bizarrely though I was pregnant with Alfie at this point and didn't know and through my pregnancy I then lost 2 stone! After I had Alfie I was back in a size 14 which I was chuffed with but over the last couple of years my weight slowly crept up again..............clearly I like my wine and chocolate too much, my vices. I fell pregnant with Elarna and again I lost weight, size 14 were fitting me perfectly if not a little big! Currently my weight is creeping back up again but more slowly, I am trying to be more aware and think I'd like to join Slimming World to try and shift another couple of stone as I don't want to end up back where I was in 2012. It's such a vicious circle!
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| Take a few weeks ago, reasonably happy here |
You know I accept that I am never going to be a skinny minnie, I have curves and over the years I have learn to embrace them and live with them...........I still hate my boobs....breast feeding made them worse than I could ever imagine and if I could ever afford a lift and reduction and I am so there! There are other things that of course I would love to change, my stomach is saggy, I have bingo wings and I have thunder thighs but do you know what I'm not miserable, I'm in a happy place right now and that's how I would rather it be.
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| I didn't fit in this dress in 2014! This was taken about a month ago. |
I truly hope that noone ever has to go through and feel how I did when I was a teenager, it made my teen years extremely miserable at times and what I did to myself was not good, not good at all. What I have learnt from it is to be aware what you eat and lead a healthy lifestyle, fad diets and quick fixes are just not beneficial. Being happy far out weighs trying to be someone I am not. Enjoy life because you don't know when something shite will come and bite you on the bum. Focus on the future and not the past.
Thanks for reading my ramble, I kind of feel like I've just had a huge counselling session courtesy of my blog!
How were your teenage years? Good, bad or plain ugly?
It's hard to learn to accept ourselves isn't it? Sorry to hear of your issues with body image when you were younger. As you get older you do get more acceptng of yourself I think.
ReplyDeleteI struggled too. My natural body shape is so far removed from the tall skinny ideal. However over the years I have completely changed my view. It is who we are that counts and what shape we are born into has nothing to do with that. Instead of focusing on wanting to be something I am not I focused on my self worth and it turned things around for me. Knowing who we are and what value we bring to the world is very helpful. Best of luck on your journey. I am glad you are feeling better. kirsten
ReplyDeleteA great read. I too have always struggled with this. My goal is that by 40 after 4 children I with finally be happy with my body #binkylinky
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier as you get older, I think, and having children made me appreciate my body and what it can do so much. I was always skinny as a kid and a teen, it's only since hitting my thirties that I've got bigger, but by then, I was having kids so it didn't get to me. I can see how it could when you're younger and dealing with so much more. I'm glad you're in a happy place now x Thanks for sharing with #WotW
ReplyDeleteGrowing up is tricky enough to negotiate without adding in all the other stuff life can throw our way. I'm glad you feel more at ease with yourself now, it's not a nice place to be if you don't like what you see in yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same as you and struggle with my body image. Growing up, especially as a teenager, I could eat anything and never put weight on, but when I got an office job I soon realised this wasn't the case and over the years, and after having children, I put weight on. I've just started slim fast so hoping that'll help me. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing an insight into your life. I too have struggled with my body image. Hitting the Maltesers and biscuit tin after many downs in life has left me with diabetes. I hope to one day love my body again by being careful about what I eat and Zumba fitness. #WoTW
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing on #justanotherlinky. There is so much out there to make girls feel they need to 'perfect' body. I have always struggled with how I have looked and what I wear. I don't think anyone is happy with themselves because of all the magazines out there saying a size 12 is big when actually in my eyes it's perfect! Xx
ReplyDeleteThere is too much image to live up to nowadays completely wrong great post thanks for linking to the binkylinky
ReplyDeleteI think the saying 'I wish I could be as big as I was first time I thought I wqs fat'. I have always had huge body confidence issues even when I was a size 10. I have battled with bulimia for years, and strangely enough its only now with the support of my husband that im most comftable with my body, and I really am fat now (size 24). #justanotherlinky
ReplyDeleteSuch an honest post, glad you're in a happy place and long may that continue. I think it's tough for kids today growing up, but actually it was no less tough for us so growing up is just generally tough! I was larger as a teen than I am now, probably the hormones rampaging. I'd always been active but when I stopped playing sports regularly I noticed I couldn't carry on eating/drinking as I had before - it was quite an eye opener xx #wotw
ReplyDeleteWell done for writing such as honest post. There are many people (myself included) who suffer from body image issues. I think you look beautiful! #justanotherlinky
ReplyDeleteThat's such an honest and open post; well done for writing it and sometimes sharing via the Blogosphere really does feel quite cathartic. I do hope your post, and people who continue to talk about being happy first and foremost in yourself and ignoring some of the ridiculous media images of 'body perfection' can prevent our younger generation of boys & girls from feeling so down about themselves.
ReplyDeleteI think you look gorgeous and should be proud of your body which has delivered you the best gift - your children!
xx
#WoTW
Popping over from #justanotherlinky =) First off, you're beautiful. Secondly, I understand. I didn't go thru it in high school but I'm going through it now. Diagnosed with Crohn's I went thru a stint of steroids and ballooned. I'm still working on getting back to the "normal" me. I'm never comfortable in my own skin. Working on that. thanks for your honesty. Women out there need it.
ReplyDeleteCome share your crafts, DIY's, recipes & up-cycles at #2usestuesday (Mon PM to Fri PM) & your pinnable images at #Pinbellish (Fri AM to Tues AM) over at Sarah Celebrates if you don't already!
Such a difficult subject! I had the opposite issue, struggled to put in my weight and was constantly bullied for being 'anorexic', seems no matter what we do we can't win! So though it's not easy, it's best to focus on how we're most happy. #bestworst
ReplyDeleteI read this with tears Helen. For you, AND for the countless woman that have gone through the same thing. I could rant on and on about media not helping (it's a bee in my bonnet!) but I have a feeling we'd somehow still struggle with body image anyway. This post will encourage other. Thanks for writing it so honestly and eloquently x
ReplyDeleteaww hun I never knew you felt so low in your teenage and younger years. What with hormones and growing up it must have been so horrible. So glad you can now see how gorgeous you are and feel more happy in your own skin. You definitely have the best attitude now to a healthy lifetstyle. Lots love xxx
ReplyDeleteI think we are most of us at least a little screwy about our bodies. Looking back I can see I had a really nice body in my teens and twenties but I was never happy. There was always something wrong with me or my body in my head. Becoming a mother has really helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin and more accepting that my value has nothing to do with my body. Thanks for sharing #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteGosh we put ourselves through some hell don't we! I was very similar to you in high school, going to all sorts of extremes to try and be skinny. I attached so much to being skinny - I'd be happy if I was skinny, I'd be confident if I was skinny, I'd have a boyfriend if I was skinny... and then when I did actually lose weight and get skinny nothing really changed!! I've found having kids has given me a whole new confidence about my body.
ReplyDelete#bestandworst
Well done for being so honest lovely, and you really did have a tough time as a teen. Ive always had body confidence issues too after some teasing as a teen and always felt massive at the time (though looking back I really wasn't as big as I felt) and diet3d a lot but never went further. I am up and down about myself all the time and hate the shots of me in my swimming costume on holiday, BUT one of the things that has made me feel better was seeing all of the people of varying shapes and sizes around the pool on holiday. Everyone had wobbles or 'imperfections' but I wasn't looking at them thinking badly of them for it so I hope noone was to me either. Great post xx
ReplyDeleteAwwww lovely, this has rang a few bells for me and I want to send you a huge massive hug. It is sooo hard to accept our bodies but you look stunning! You are a beautiful woman and embrace your curves! That's what makes you beautiful! You look healthy and happy :) The hardest thing is to love yourself but we can all try to accept ourselves. And I am so pleased you found a wonderful man in your husband! :)
ReplyDelete#bestandworst
Gemma xxx
Love this post. The raw honesty. I have never been happy with the way I look, well, not that, I've always been able to stand to lose a bit of weight. I remember being 14 and writing down that I was happy because I could see my ribs. Now that isn't healthy. In time I've now come full circle, I love food too much to diet and its become about the inches rather than the numbers and feeling healthy. It's about exercise over binge dieting. Thanks for this Helen #bestandworst xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're happier now than in your teens - it's such a hard time especially for girls in terms of body image I think. I am never going to be a waif either but eating sensibly and try to haul myself out for a run occasionally means I can also have cake (sometimes). And that's a balance I can live with. Well, maybe losing a few more pounds... #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteWow you weren't kidding about it being honest - good on you for sharing these deep personal experiences, I hope they help those suffering. Ahhhh body image is so tough, I just began at 24 to feel amazing and love how I looked and then got married and pregnant and my body changed. At school I packed on the LBs and had a short haircut - people called me "mez" which soon became "mezbian the lesbian" it was horrible, especially when you want boys to notice you - it wasn't nice! I took up kick boxing, grew my hair and started looking pretty hot by the time I left 6th form, and then my confidence grew like you with meeting your husband,
ReplyDeleteI had terrible body image issues after E, id had an emergency section and hated the scar and how my stomach looked, I sobbed a lot and had PND over all that!!! BAD TIMES!
Now I feel alright, I still get down days but husbands are good at making you feel hot and gorgeous and right! I find it so draining to always compare myself to others but do it and need to STOP!
You look lovely and I hope you get to a place where you feel content by your own measure and noone elses. xx #bestandworst
Im sorry you felt like that but loads happy that you feel happy now. My weight always fluctuates and it drives me mad. I find that blogging is a mini-counselling session too, just helps us focus by putting our words out there I suppose? #bestandworst xx
ReplyDeleteAw, bless you *hugs*. I also am plagued by the big boobs and still cry when bra shopping. Or have a strop. One of those.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you're feeling comfier in your own skin. Keep your chin up- you're gorgeous!
#bestandworst
PS Anyone would feel huge next to Sarah :-).
What a beautifully written, brave and honest post. Thank you for sharing. I too have spent half of my life on a diet and the other half stuffing my face with all of the things I had denied myself while dieting! It's just insane isn't it? Not to mention absolutely soul destroying at times. I agree with you that happiness is the most important thing, and finding a weight that you can live comfortably, healthily and happily with is the way forward (even if, like me, that is no-where near a size 8 and never will be!) Brilliant post x
ReplyDeleteOh Helen, what an honest and heart breaking post. I think you look beautiful and curves are gorgeous. I'm conscious of my 'mum tum' too, but I try and remember that it grew two amazing children, so it's no wonder it's not exactly flat and well toned! Our bodies are amazing, and we may not love every part of them, but they do a great job. I bet noone else sees any of the flaws we see on our own bodies. I didn't have weight issues when I was a teen (well I was way too skinny but not because I didn't eat, it was just the way I was! I too had tears after every shopping trip, because everything fell off me, and the only things I could wear that fit around my waist were children's clothes and far too short!) my issue was my terrible spots. I'm still really self conscious of my skin now, and still get spots even thought I'm 35!! I don't think we should ever underestimate the damage these things do to us, and they stay with us for a very very long time, maybe forever. Thanks for sharing. Becky xx #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteHi Helen, This post is beautifully honest. Good on you for facing your past. There is so much pressure for us chicas to look amazing - having kids does nothing for your figure, in particular for me my problem area has always been my tummy. I'm not huge by any means, but my weight has always fluctuated from size 6 (at miserable times in my twenties) to 14 (post baby). I think I'll always crave to be the size I was around my wedding (totally unrealistic!) but a happy size 12 will do me fine. After all, better to be healthy and happy than scrawny and sad. x MMT #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this, it sounds so much like me! I also starved myself when I was younger, and my weight has been up and down and up and down over the past goodness knows how many years! It's something I feel so strongly about as so many young girls suffer with body image problems and take them right through into their adult years. It's lovely to find your blog, and you look beautiful! Rebecca xx www.thesparklenest.com #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteI was anorexic when I was younger for several years, and had a severe exercise disorder. & apparently BDD - though it's kind of hard to know you have that, as you obviously believe what you see is correct! Glad you are now happy and have accepted yourself. Although I sorted out food issues many years ago, I still used to workout virtually every day for a few hours. But I had HG in pregnancy & couldn't exercise, so stopped entirely with first pregnancy & never done any since as now spend all my time looking after the little ones. & it doesn't bother me at all! #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteIts so sad that your teenage years were spent feeling this way. I'm glad you have come to accept yourself now. Thanks for hosting #bestandworst :)
ReplyDeleteDebbie
Very honest and inspiring post. It really doesn't matter what size a person is I think we all have body issues, I have lots of scars and marks across my stomach and back from surgeries and pregnancy. I take the view that I've earned these marks and scars, I'm never going to look like I did when I was 18 but I'm just happy to be me. Try to be happy in yourself and it doesn't matter what other people think. It has taken about 10 years to get to this mentality. xx #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteI'm desperately trying to loose weight again. Before I had my son back in 2009 I lost 6 stone. 2 pregnancies later and I have put it all back on for various reasons. I find my confidence even lower knowing what I had before and how happy and confident I felt. Determined to get back there. Very honest post. I'm not brave enough to write about it. #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteFantastically honest Helen!I was very similar in my teens,started smoking cos it was cool,was the chubby one in a group of stunning friends was always trying some fad to lose weight - even messed around with laxatives because I couldn't stand being sick.Then when I lost the weight in my early 20's my boobs disappeared and I was even more unhappy.I've since had 3 children and am overweight,I'd like to be somewhere in between but I think,like you,I need to do it properly with slimming world or the like. #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a lot of what you say about your teenage years - children can be so cruel. I'd be interested to know what the kids who came up with those nicknames are doing now... What I find amazing is that our bodies can grow babies - complete human beings - so we really should give ourselves a break! #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteIt takes time to learn to love yourself, I'm heavier, lumpier and bumpier than I used to be but bizarrely I'm happier and more confident with myself, I think it's something that comes with age. All you can do is try to choose healthy options and smaller portions and keep an active lifestyle! My post on #bestandworst is actually about getting fit after a baby - push yourself but be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think motherhood has been the biggest lesson in loving my body (ok, loving is a strong word - accepting is probably nearer the mark!). I am proud of what my body has been through and so I treat it with wine and chocolate (my vices too!) but I, like you, am aware if my clothes start to feel a bit tight and I then try to eat a bit more consciously - I am forever finishing the kids leftovers which I know is a terrible habit! I think mindfulness is a great helper when it comes to body image :) Thanks for hosting #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteHurrah for your last sentence. You are so right, there are far more important things to worry about in life. Being healthy is far more important than what size you are. And, ask any bloke whether they want a skinny minny or they want one with a pair of knockers, and 9 times out of 10 I know what the answer will be! Embrace those curves ;-) #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteThis is such a brave post to share Helen and thank you for sharing it with us. My teenage years were ok I was happy with my figure in fact I never really had an issue with it until Logan was born, My boobs went from a 36B before pregnancy to a 38DD after my boobs felt huge and and after stopping breast feeding for various reasons they settled down to a 36D however they just feel like sacks of skin they look and feel horrible to me. I also hate my over hanging belly I was massive while pregnant Logan weighed 9lbs 14oz when he was born. And to top it all off I'm struggling with my own Identity away from being a wife and mother. But 2012 was a bad year I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost a tube as a result and then I had a miscarriage in 2013 before falling pregnant again 4 months after that. So I know that no matter how bad things get we can always pick ourselves up dust ourselves off and just keep moving forward. #Bestandworst
ReplyDeleteSending hugs. We're so hard on ourselves sometimes, particularly when we're teenagers, but what our bodies can do is actually amazing! Thank you for an amazing and honest post. :)
ReplyDeleteOh wow I've always hated my body due to my non existent boobs and have always been jealous of people with big ones. I guess I've never looked at it from the other point of view. I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself these days and I hope that this continues.
ReplyDeleteThanks for hosting #bestandworst :-)
Wow, such an honest post. Glad you are feeling happier with yourself now. I always wanted bigger boobs as a teenager, didn't get them until I was breastfeeding and now I've stopped they are just like empty sacks but I'm proud of what they have done for my little ones. I wish I could eat healthy all the time so my weight would be constant but I have bad days like all mums where I just reach for the chocolate, biscuits and cakes!! #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteWell done for telling such an honest story! Yu should be proud of yourself. I feel bad that you had to go through this. I too struggle with my weight - i am a yo-yo dieter! I know what it's like to look in the mirror and feel horrible. - Sending big hugs xxx - for me motherhood seems to have helped me, i now feel more than a number on the scale, i am someones mum! What could make me feel better than that! #bestandworst
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not alone, you look fab now but unless you can look in the mirror and feel satisfied, other people's opinions are meaningless. Throughout my teens I was miserable, I was always 'plump', 'curvy', 'big' and at one point when I was working on a bar and drinking heavily, huge!! I have always compared myself to others and beaten myself up for not being able to resist bad food, (she says, lying on the sofa eating chocolates!!), but I' started to ease up on myself a little. I'm fairly happy when I look in the mirror, I took up running last year and ran a half marathon last septenmber but I've let that slide lately so I'm going to make an effort to get back into it because I looked and felt amazing, (I was still big but more toned, curves more then wobbles!!!), and I think my health is getting more and more important to me as I don't ever want to leave my kids! *puts away chocolates*!! Great post. #bestandworst
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