For as long as I can remember I have struggled with body image. It started at a young age, but in my teenage years it definitely reached a peak. As soon as those hormones started surging and various things started to grow I definitely started with many, many insecurities. I have no idea if my close friends at that time realised the internal battles I was having and the extent that I went to to try and 'fit in' and be skinny, in fact I think it was only in the last few years that I fully opened up to my Mum about things....... but in this post I'm going to be very honest.
It was finding a picture among hundreds at my parents house that made me stop and remember and prompted me to write this. It's a photo that I don't really want to share as it upset me but basically it was a photo with my Mum and our dog and I was wearing an outfit that didn't flatter me at all. It showed all my lumps and bumps and the worst thing was the sadness that I could see in my eyes. There was no sparkle, no smile on my face and no happiness there at all.......I was just existing and horridly unhappy.
I take you back to my high school years, I started to smoke because it was 'cool'...and then there were boys, but boys didn't really pay attention to me, I guess I was a bit of a plain Jane to be honest with very little self confidence. I was plump and hid myself behind unflattering clothes, mainly black, my boobs were huge, I absolutely hated them.....I hated myself. Many a day I would cry my eyes out because of them....I couldn't understand why I had to live with these stupid, huge boobs.....erghhh, girl problems and all that. It didn't help that people thought calling me names was the way to go, the very creative 'Helen melon, 'brabera' and a variation of my maiden name.....'breaston', not so funny, people can be very cruel at times. Shopping for clothes and bra's was utterly miserable and often I would be in tears being consoled by my (long suffering) Mum and leaving the shops empty handed. I knew I needed some drastic action so during one summer holiday I decided that best way to resolve this was to start a 'starvation diet'(*disclaimer* this is my personal account and no way should anything like this be ever done, ever, ever......ok!). I went through days surviving on fags and an apple a day, or sometimes a bag of crisps. My Mum would make me lunch and tea, I would pretend to eat and then I would throw it in the bin and hide it............I would also eat chewing gum to curb my appetite. When I look back I do not know how the hell I survived, these days if I go without lunch I turn into a hangry beast!
|Take a few weeks ago, reasonably happy here
You know I accept that I am never going to be a skinny minnie, I have curves and over the years I have learn to embrace them and live with them...........I still hate my boobs....breast feeding made them worse than I could ever imagine and if I could ever afford a lift and reduction and I am so there! There are other things that of course I would love to change, my stomach is saggy, I have bingo wings and I have thunder thighs but do you know what I'm not miserable, I'm in a happy place right now and that's how I would rather it be.I
|I didn't fit in this dress in 2014! This was taken about a month ago.
I truly hope that noone ever has to go through and feel how I did when I was a teenager, it made my teen years extremely miserable at times and what I did to myself was not good, not good at all. What I have learnt from it is to be aware what you eat and lead a healthy lifestyle, fad diets and quick fixes are just not beneficial. Being happy far out weighs trying to be someone I am not. Enjoy life because you don't know when something shite will come and bite you on the bum. Focus on the future and not the past.
Thanks for reading my ramble, I kind of feel like I've just had a huge counselling session courtesy of my blog!
How were your teenage years? Good, bad or plain ugly?