|Image courtesy of someecards.com
|Image courtesy of someecards.com
|This is my 'I am never having another baby face'
The truth about giving birth from my experience twice over.
Giving birth is not glamorous or dignified in the slightest, those movie scenes where you see waters gush and contractions begin and a beautiful baby welcomed into the world with 2 pushes......nahhhhh that's not how it is for most people. Even K Middy will have left her dignity by the door delivering the pretty Princess. It's inevitable, a fact of life that babies will come through the vajayjay or via a sunroof delivery, either way at some point you're best of realising that every Tom, Dick (haha, my immature sense of humour had me chuckling while writing dick) or Harry will see everything and I mean EVERYTHING during birth.
Let's start with contractions. You know they're going to hurt but seriously it's what I imagine being stabbed over and over and over again in the stomach......and the back.......and everywhere else. Bloody painful.
There is stuff that comes out of you and it just keeps coming, just stuff, gross stuff, fluid, blood, gunk you name it! Drip, drip, drip. All perfectly normal so I'm told, great as you feel like you're peeing yourself constantly.
You might shit yourself during labour. Fact. The shame.
The world and its son will probably have a rummage in your nether regions to see how dilated you are, whether the baby has dropped, if the baby needs a clip on its head to monitor the heart rate or you need a catheter etc etc. Like I said you leave your dignity at the door ladies, just remember to pick it up on the way out.
The size of the epidural needle. If you decide to have an epidural, I advise don't look at the size of it. Imagine a knitting needle being stabbed into your back, yeah that. The end results are worth it though and it doesn't hurt as the nice Mr. Epidural man will numb you first (hopefully!).
You might need to be cut or tear.....I suggest googling episiotomy or 2nd/3rd/4th degree tear for more of an insight. Lush.
The first poo post birth. Enough said. * Insert swear word/profanity here*
Best get those granny pants ready cos you're gonna need them!! The size of maternity pads you need to wear you might aswell wear a nappy, be prepared to have your period fifty times over for the next couple of weeks (at least), nice.The joys are just never ending.
You'll be sore for a while after they say. No shit Sherlock, something the size of a watermelon has just been ejected via something the size of a doughnut (or a toilet roll as the below shows). You might also start walking a little like John Wayne and end up having to sit on one bum cheek for the foreseeable future.
After pains are a bitch.
Like it or not your lady bits are unlikely to be the same again. Pelvic floor exercises or no pelvic floors your vajayjay has now been used as an exit route, better start accepting it now. RIP vagina.
It doesn't just end with the birth, let's not forget that when your milk comes in your boobs will suddenly be like rocks, you'll be resembling some sort of human lactation device as your boobs start leaking milk and you bear an uncanny resemblance to Lola Ferrari.
Your hair will fall out once your hormones have settled so if you were lucky enough to enjoy thick and luxurious hair during pregnancy try not to get too attached as your hair will soon be lacklustre and thin, potentially you will also start to look like a spotty teenager again with spots appearing left, right and centre. So disappointing.
At some point a few weeks after birth mother nature will once again pay her monthly visit and she won't be kind to you. Expect the worst.
Of course how could I deny that giving birth is an unbelievable and incredible thing, what your body does is pretty special but why oh why can't it be simpler? I'm sure this sort of thing wouldn't happen in a Disney film!!