Monday 2 March 2015

Why I couldn't be a SAHM.

Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love staying at home with Alfie and spending quality time with him but it's hard, it's really hard! I give full credit to the Mum's out there that do stay at home every single day with their children and cope, you truly are brilliant, but as are the Mum's (like myself) who work full or part time. This post isn't to offend at all and it shouldn't, it's just simply my reasons as to why I personally couldn't be a stay at home Mum. 

To give you a little bit background, when I was pregnant with Alfie I was very set in the opinion that I absolutely would not be going back to work full time (or at all) once he arrived, I felt that I didn't want to bring a child into the world and pay for someone to look after him every day, plus childcare costs can be crippling and at the time I honestly thought I'd not want to return to work.

This particular pregnancy wasn't planned (oops a daisy!) and I was in the middle of studying for my Nursing qualification, impeccable timing!! My poor husband was close to having a coronary when I told him! I took a year out during the last part of my third year and returned to complete when Alfie was just over 8 months old. I didn't have a choice but to return back to full time study and placement as I didn't want to waste what I'd already dedicated 2 1/2 years too, I mean I would have been crazy not to finish my studies, I was so, so close to becoming a qualified Nurse and it took my husband some gentle persuasion that I shouldn't waste all my hard work. I hated every single second when I returned, I remember driving to Uni in floods of tears suffering the immense guilt of leaving my son with someone else, it was probably one of the hardest things I had to do, but after a while I did get used to it and yes it's hard but you do get used to leaving your child in the hands of somebody else. Not only did I have 2 placement's to complete I also had to sit my final exams and revising with a small limpet child is unbelievably difficult. I slogged my guts out and with some hard work and focus I passed all my exams and placements and achieved my dream to become a Nurse, the relief I felt when I checked my results was unbelievable, probably one of the best feelings in the world, 3 years of studying was such a challenge and not one I wish to repeat anytime soon!


I knew that I'd always wanted to work in the community and when I had my final placement I was lucky enough to be offered a job on a full time basis, at the time I knew that if I didn't accept the offer I'd probably lose the chance of my dream job. So it was both with a heavy heart and excitement that I committed to a full time position.  After a few months I found that the full time hours were too much for me, I felt that I really missed out on things with Alfie and was constantly suffering 'mummy guilt' and feeling really quite down in the dumps so prior to my maternity leave discussed with my managers about doing just 30 hours a week which helped me out loads. Anyway, as usual I'm digressing! 

As I have now been off work for a month and my maternity leave starts officially this week I have been fortunate enough to spend more time with Alfie, this is both a blessing and a challenge. As much as I am loving spending time with him, keeping him entertained is something of a chore, he is just on the go all the time and in a way I'm so pleased he is still in nursery twice a week as I feel this keeps him stimulated, socialised and educated, plus Alfie loves nursery and he thrives there, they do things with him that I wouldn't be able to and it's setting him up ready for when he attends school which I'm sure will come around far too quickly. Sometimes when I'm at home with him I just don't know how to keep him entertained all day! He is my life, everything changed when he entered the world, I grew up, I look at things in a different way and I would do anything for him, I cherish every single second I have with him (tantrums exempt!), but there is part of me that still enjoys working and the adult communication that comes with it.

At times I find myself missing my job, particularly the adult interaction and conversation. This brings me on to why I just could not be a stay at home Mum, I worked hard for my career and I wouldn't want to lose that, I like that I earn my own money and don't have to rely on anyone else, I use my brain and skills day to day and come home and feel I have achieved something. Of course I miss my boy more that anything, that goes without saying but there is something really nice about my brain not turning to mush and having to watch reruns of Peppa Pig and Thomas and Friends, plus when I see the smile on his face when I get home it's truly priceless! I admit that full time working is not for me now,  I really struggled juggling everything on full time hours. Especially more so now with baby number 2 on the way, how could I possibly dedicate my time to my job and 2 little ones I just don't know how I would do it, but what I do know is that  I still want my career, there are so many doors to open and explore and I don't want to lose that chance, plus I'd miss the money, after surviving on a bursary for 4 years earning a decent salary is amazing. I like being able to spoil Alfie and the new baby and without me working how could I do that? Plus I'm a sucker for the finer things in life and to buy all these things you need the dosh!

So that is why I couldn't be a SAHM, I am delighted with what I've achieved and want my children to be proud of me for that, I want them to be able to tell their friends that their Mummy is a Nurse and helps people. I want them to flourish and enjoy being around other children and learn through nursery, I want to value the time that I do spend with them when I'm home and most of all I just want to be the best parent I can be, so regardless of whether you're a SAHM or a working Mum that should be the ultimate aim right?!

So are you a SAHM or a working Mum? Any regrets?

Best of Worst

MaternityMondays

42 comments:

  1. Your story sounds similar to mine - I had a baby in my final year of uni and went back part time when he was 7 months old. I then trained as a teacher. I felt like staying at home with a baby kind of takes away a part of your personality so it's nice to be yourself at work. I didn't get a full time job after my PGCE and then got pregnant again (whoops) and now I stay at home - I don't mind it now and not in a rush to go back to work, but it's nice to know I've got the qualifications if/when I want to. #mummymonday

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    1. Thanks for your comment, I totally agree about having the qualifications, very reassuring to know that we have them! Who knows what my views will be after baby number 2 I'll have to see but for the moment I'm going to try and enjoy the next few months! x

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  2. Well done you for sticking with your studies and achieving your dreams. I too carried on with my university studies through two more pregnancies, breastfeeding while balancing a calculator on them when I had a moments silence to concentrate! I managed my First Class BSc (Hons) Life Sciences degree and have just gone back to work part time now that all three children are in school (the rest of the time I'm self employed from home). Win-win! :)

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    1. Thankyou Elizabeth and well done to you too it's no easy task studying and bringing up children. Thanks so much for the comment :-) x

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  3. I'm a SAHM and I would love to have the balance to work part time, its just not feasible due to a lack of jobs over in Dubai that fit around this schedule! Well done for sticking with your studies, I must look into this! #maternitymondays

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    1. Thanks for your comment Laura, I'm guessing it must be very different in Dubai! I'd love to know more. X

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  4. I'm a full time working mum and I think it is too much for me. My husband is a stay at home dad though so right now I need to work full time. I'm hoping to get a pay rise in the next year or so which would allow me to drop my hours for the same money. I do love my job (I'm a doctor) and I enjoy being at work but I love time at home with my girlies too. I think I would be happy working 30 hours a week rather than 48! #mummymonday

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    1. 30 hours is much more manageable, I found I was doing way more than my contracted hours too which didn't help and obviously being in the health service I can understand the pressures on you guys too. Thankyou for the comment :-) X

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  5. I'm a full time working mum but currently on maternity leave. Can't wait to go back already. Lol

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  6. Thank you for writing this. I live in a house where my husband stays at home and I work. I always struggle with the 'mom guilt' & I think in a lot of ways it has more to do with other people judging us because I know deep down it's the right thing for the kids. I think that's all that should matter. My kids get more time with mom & dad because it would take my hubby three hours to make what I make in an hour (I have 3 degrees he doesn't ) Sometimes it's nice to know I'm not alone & hear why other moms work #mummymonday #lifewithboys

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    1. Hi Tiffany, thanks for you comment you are not alone and it is difficult!! Needs must though and we do what we have too. X

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  7. Lovely post Helen. I'm with you. Love the time with my girl but need to work for sanity, money and all the time working for a career! A balance is just great if you can have it. Hope you enjoying the maternity leave so far!! xx #mummymonday

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    1. Thankyou hun and think we're on the same wavelength! x

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  8. I was able to be home with my son for his first year and then I only worked 25 hours a week for just over a year and then I bumped my hours up to 32,5 hours per week. Now that I am on maternity leave again, I hope to at least do the same as before, but we'll see what happens. I do think I could be a stay at home mom for at least a few years.

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    1. Maybe I'll change my mind with this maternity leave haha,we'll see! Otherwise I think that reduced hours is much more manageable! x

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  9. So many people would have quite their studies to be a stay at home mum and as you say, it's a total waste of the years and effort you had already completed. Everyone has their own reasons for both sides and I'm pleased you can be so honest with your reasons! x

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    1. Thanks Julie, I truly think I would have been mad to leave and I'm so pleased I stayed as having a job I love is so nice :-) x

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  10. This is such a personal choice isn't it. I worked as a Midwife for 10 years (with three maternity leaves in the middle!!), but once number 3 came along I just found the stress of the job too much to handle whilst trying to juggle the monkeys. It broke my heart to leave the job back in October, I will go back once my youngest goes to school though. I planned to be a SAHM until then (another 3 years), but I lasted a full 3 months before I crumbled and had to get out to do a job of some sort before I went crazy!! Now working for an estate agency at the weekends and totally love it! Stress free, childcare no issue as hubs is home, and it gets me out to be 'me'. I have massive respect for SAHM's now, they are properly hardcore!! x

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    1. It really is and I honestly never thought that I'd feel this way, I think I'll always have to do something over a couple of days just for my sanity. I agree, full credit to the sahm's it's hard work! x

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  11. Fab post! You have worked SO hard and deserve to have that job. Yes it's hard and yes we all have the mummy guilt but you are doing what's right for you and your family. One day, your children will be all grown up but you'll still have an amazingly rewarding career there.

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    1. Thanks so much Lisa! I hope they understand and I'm sure they will and I'll continue to be proud of what I've achieved :-) x

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  12. You must be so proud of yourself going back to college and landing your dream job. You will be an inspiration to your children.
    I do know what you mean but I would love to be a sahm. It killed me leaving my daughter and, for me, it ne er got better. I Am on maternity leave now and refuse to even think about leaving him :( it is hard whatever you do. #MaternityMondays

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    1. Hi Emma! That is how I felt initially and I'll probably feel the same when I go back to work this time, but I know I do want to return to work after the 2nd baby. I really hope to be an inspiration, that would be amazing :-) x

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  13. I would really like to work in medicine some day. I don't know whether I'd want to be a nurse or a paramedic or even work in a lab, but I'd love to do something in the medical industry as I've had my life saved by the NHS numerous times (2 x cancers, 1 x HELLP Syndrome & 1 x Septicaemia) and I want to give something back. But I also know I'm not disciplined enough for that yet. Right now, whilst my littles are... well... little, I don't want a full time job. I'm not mature enough. I like being my own boss, running my blogs, going to coffee shops, travelling as and when I want to. I struggle with respecting authority and taking orders, I live for spontaneity and doing what I want when I want. But someday, when all my children are in school and I've grown up a bit... then I'd love to go down the nursing path. The thing is, I know it's a hard job to train for and once you get the career it's hard work and long hours. I need to wait until I'm ready to commit to that. You on the other hand, you've already achieved that. You have a very rewarding career to keep hold of and by the sounds of it, are in the right place to continue on that path (more grown up than me). Like you say at the start of your post, each mother has to do what is right for them and their family. You are not just a mother, you are you too. What makes you tick, what you enjoy, must be accounted for too.

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    1. Hi Emma, wow sounds like you have been through alot. Being your own boss is nice though, although I would say always try and follow your dreams :-) xx

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  14. I was working part time until recently, I am now a SAHM and I find it hard work! My youngest is at pre school for 2 1/2 days so I spend this time blogging, housework and doing my college studies. The other 2 1/2 days are exhausting. She is constantly on the go. I am hoping that my SAHM status will change soon and I can get back to work again. I love my kids but I too like adult interaction lol!

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    1. Isn't it amazing how toddler's just never seem to slow down!! I'm shattered by the end of the day. I think the adult interaction is what I would miss most by far! Thankyou so much for the comment X

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  15. When I was pregnant with twins I thought I'd love to be a stay at home mum, but after a year of maternity leave I was eager to return to work so that I could have a break and some adult conversation. #bestandworst

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    1. I know exactly what you mean, the adult conversation is definitely something I miss!

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  16. I am a sahm and it is hard. I need to work. I want to work. The opportunity to work out in Dubai isn't there. I try to embrace it and in all honesty it is the reason I started blogging - my take on it is here I Never Planned to be a SAHM

    Thanks for hosting #bestandworst

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  17. Great post. I totally admire SAHM but I will definitely always need to do something for me. I'm a journalist and work three days a week which is a great balance...I don't think I could do full time now. I also have my own business which is really flexible and I fit it around everything else. I agree with you on wanting to be a role model and being a nurse is just such an amazing and honourable job. I want to be able to inspire my daughter and help her achieve her dreams through everything I am learning in my business and job. #bestandworst

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  18. I got packed off to work as I earned the most. We could manage on my salary with Rev T at home, but not the other way round. He was a great SAHD, but I would have been a terrible SAHM for the reasons you mention in your excellent post. Thanks for hosting #bestandworst Have a lovely week!

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  19. I totally get where you're coming from - I'd worked really hard in my career and although I was willing (and happy) to sacrifice that for my children by giving up my job it was a very hard decision. I managed to do it after baby number one but after 6 months after going back after baby 2 I knew I couldn't keep it up and be the mum I wanted to be. I am now self employed and can work part time, around children and I think it was the right decision. Luckily my husband is really supportive and has a normal secure job. I think it's really important that they see that I can support myself and earn money and have to work hard - especially as they are girls I don't want them to think they have to find a man to look after them! Whatever we do as parents, we feel guilty but I am happy to have found some kind of balance and still keep my career and brain ticking over! Becky xx #bestandworst

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  20. congrats on seeing your nursing dream through. Right now my wife works three days a week and I work four. Its been a financial adjustment but we seem to have found a good balance. Neither of us ever thought that we would think of work as escaping for a bit

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  21. I think it is great that you have a career that you love and that you are able to work hours that suit you and your family. It is such a personal decision and we all ave different reasons for making our decisions, but the one overriding one is that we all want to be the best mum we can be, whether at home or working! I am a SAHM and I love it but is bloody hard too. I intend to enjoy making the most of the next few years with the kiddies and then I look forward to going back to work in some form when they are both at school. I am not sure what that will be exactly yet but I will have a good 30+ years of work ahead of me still at that point and it will be nice to use my brain again then! xx

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  22. I think it depends on individuals what is right for you. I am a SAHM, and I really enjoy it though it's hard. It is also the only viable financial option for us due to the childcare costs for two very young kids. But I think it depends on whether you have a career you like & would not want to sacrifice, and what you are suited to and happy with, as well as finances. #bestandworst

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  23. I had to go back to work as I wanted to feel like someone other than "just Mum" and have some social interaction.Mind you in all honesty there have been days when I've been glad to go to work for the peace and quiet!! #bestandworst

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  24. I'm a SAHM, and I love it. I hated the job I was doing, was always miserable, and I ama thousand times happier now, but I can also completely understand why someone else would choose their career over being a SAHM parent. Everyone has to make the choice that works for them and their family; staying at home and being miserable doesn't benefit your children in any way. #bestandworse

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  25. I'm a part time working mum. I have 2 days a week off with my little boy. For me, it is definitely the right thing for us. I do relish being at work but would struggle for various reasons being full time I think. I am of the opinion of whatever works for you and your family. Go you for sticking with your studies too! #bestandworst x

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  26. I am a full time SAHM! My head is mashed, I don't have a lot of adult interaction, I deffs work longer than 37 hr weeks, it is challenging in so many ways and pushes me to my limits BUT I love it, I love to have flexibility...go where we want, when we want. Our time table is ours. I do Body shop parties "on the side" here and there for a bit of cash but to be honest we don't need to I just like a bit of Pocket money haha I of course miss feeling successful or increasing my knowledge but I feel this is the best thing I could be doing right now...I brought them into the world, they wont be with me forever and I want to be there for them whilst they are. x #bestandworst

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  27. A lovely honest post and I fully understand you need work my wife works two days a week and sure it keeps her sane thank you writing this

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