My ovaries are twitching. I am broody. My heart tells me I would like a 3rd baby and yet my head can't fully decide. My husband says a resounding no. It's quite hard to digest really. My body is telling me that I'm fertile and able to bear another child but yet I vividly remember after labouring with Elarna declaring that I would never have another (I blame the drugs) so why do I feel like I'm not quite done yet.
I'm age 33, I'm hardly old and feel that there is still place in my heart and home for another child. I can't quite get my head around never being pregnant again, never going through labour and never holding a newborn against my chest. I almost feel like I've forgotten what it feels like to nurture and mother a newborn. My timehop keeps reminding just how little my 2 were when they were born, well I say little they were 7lbs but it's so easy to forget how small they feel in your arms.
|Excuse the candid shot!|
Being female is a funny thing. Hormones play havoc with you. I often find myself wondering what having a 3rd would be like. I regularly hear people say that a 3rd just slots right in and doesn't make much difference than transitioning from 1 child to 2. I wonder what a 3rd labour would be like, would we have a boy or a girl and how Elarna would feel about being a big sister, would Alfie like being the eldest? I don't know if it stems from being an only child wanting my children to have siblings, I was never really lonely growing up, my parents always encouraged me to socialise and get out and about and I always had a good group of friends so I do wonder why I am thinking about a 3rd. I knew I always wanted more than one child and if I'm being honest I always thought that 2 would be it for me, lots of people have called me lucky as I have 1 of each, and of course I am but having both a girl and a boy was never something I had planned, lets face it was a 50% chance of one or the other. I always thought I wasn't overly maternal but perhaps I am, I find being a Mum both incredibly tough but highly rewarding. There are days when I categorically don't want to add a 3rd to the brood but then other days I would. You see where my head is right now?!
It is a difficult situation to be in, as I said about my husband is really not keen. He is 1 of 3 and was the youngest sibling so perhaps from his experience 3 isn't the magic number. He also wants us to get a bit more of our life back and not have to pay childcare for years and years and I can totally see that. I really can and completely get it but still......I don't feel 'done' yet. I do moan at times.........I think every parent does. Having children is restrictive, there is no denying it, life is by no means what it used to be. I also admit, I moaned throughout my pregnancy, of course I felt blessed but I was uncomfortable, my pelvis ached, I couldn't sleep, I remember well the horrific nausea and dizziness I suffered and the fact I could barely eat due to acid reflux. I remember labour being awful, I haven't forgotten these things yet the desire for a 3rd is there. It's just there, in my mind eating away at me. How does one tell their ovaries that they are redundant, they are done....bye bye....... and no longer a use is required. It's not quite as simple as that though is it, my body tells me one thing, my husband says another and my head......well my head is all over the place. I'm not talking about having a 3rd imminently, but in 6 months or even a years time I feel it would be a good time to consider it. Alfie is older and more aware of things and pretty independent. Elarna is reaching the age that Alfie was when we had her and she loves her dollies and babies so I think she would love to be a big sister.
Am I being selfish? Perhaps I AM being selfish? I have no idea. I have 2 beautiful children, 1 of each is incredibly lucky as I'm often told so maybe I am just being a selfish cow in this desire to add to my family. You tell me.......Perhaps I should get a flipping puppy?? Maybe that is the answer. It isn't though is it. A puppy would maybe simpler mind you. Still wouldn't stop me wanting a 3rd baby though.
What are your thoughts? Am I being selfish or just normal thoughts of a 33 year old woman?