Sunday, 10 January 2016

Denial.

Hot, hot tears. That is all I can feel and see right now. I am a sniffly, snotty and sobbing mess. You see tonight marks the end of my maternity leave, that wonderful baby bubble. Today was supposed to be spent relishing my last day of mat leave and yet all I have felt is utterly miserable! Having 2 heart stopping moments when Alfie ran into the middle of the road and then the cat has also not helped my state of mind much today either! 


I then read on Facebook that one of my old colleague's who had her 2nd baby just before me has decided not to return back to work because her babies are more important, it's just nearly killed me, really not a great end to the day but she is so lucky to be able to do that. I have cried and am crying more tears than I have shed in a long time. I'm not a crier, I'm generally not, I hate crying, erghhh I really do...... (especially as a contact lens wearer!) but all I've seemed to do in the last couple of weeks is sob, I swear my  husband thinks I have permanent PMT. I've managed to hold in the tears most of today but now I can't seem to stop them flowing. I put Elarna to bed tonight and she looked at me with those big, beautiful eyes and then reached out to me and gently touched my nose (sob) and that is when the tears properly started. 

I definitely won't be dropping Elarna off for her first full day of nursery tomorrow (pass me the tissues please) and I will only see them for a short time before they go to bed when I get home (whenever that will be) due to the cooperate induction that I have to attend which is pretty much a 140 mile round trip for 9 whole days......seriously.

I have only been apart from Elarna and Alfie a handful of times over the last few months, I hate the thought of leaving them both other than the designated nursery days. Elarna still seems so tiny, so reliant on me and snuggly. I have been hating on life, hating on myself and generally been a bit  huge depressing mess over the last couple of weeks. I hate the thought that suddenly I have to hand her over to another person to care for her, even the Grandparents, it's so utterly rubbish. 




I have slowly watched the weeks tick by and been in complete and utter denial about the impending return to working mama and if I'm honest I'm still in denial that there is now only a matter of hours left before I leave my babies and head back into the world of work. 
The worst thing is knowing what is coming. This is the 2nd maternity leave that I have had and unfortunately know what awaits me. The guilt, the immense feeling of guilt that hangs over me constantly, that heavy feeling of dread as you do the nursery run and there is clinging and sobbing but yet you still have to leave handing over to relevant strangers, the middle of the night wake ups that keep you up for hours and you know that you still have to function the next day, the constant battle inside my head reassuring me that I am a good Mummy and I'm working to earn some of the pennies. 

The baby bubble is amazing, it can be insulating, safe, amazing and challenging and always full of love. I've had THE most wonderful 9 months and I really wanted to be able to make it last a little while longer but sadly the reality is that I can't and I am gutted. 





Back in March last year, before Elarna arrived I wrote this post about why I couldn't be a stay at home mum. I've changed my mind, I think I could be (to a degree). I would definitely miss my money and probably be mad at myself for wasting 3 years of study but I would really love to extend my time at home to fix the mistakes I feel I made with Alfie and be a better Mum with Elarna.


I could kick myself really........ when I went on maternity leave it took me weeks and weeks to let go of being in work mode, I was still checking my work emails and checking in with work regularly even after Elarna was born, I feel like I wasted time worrying about work and now here I am nearly 9 months down the line and it's starting all over again, I want to rewind time, sadly not possible. I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things it will be fine but  definitely thinking about it is worse. I am already suffering with THE worse mummy guilt as I mentioned and instead of focusing on the amazing time I've spent with both Alfie and Elarna I seem fixated on what I'm going to miss out on, I know  that I'm not working all the time but still I can't help feeling like I want to be the one nurturing them for the 2 days that they are not in nursery not someone else, it's a constant battle in my mind at the moment.

It's not just the leaving Elarna (and Alfie of course) that bothers me, as actually I think she will love being in nursery and she'll get alot of it, it's more that I have accepted a job at 4 days a week which is more than I was looking for. I was ideally looking for 3 days a week and I have tried my hardest to negotiate with my new place of work but sadly they can't accommodate my request at the moment. Obviously I need the job so have accepted the position at these hours for the moment and I will see how it goes. There is also the issue that we only have 1 car and my husband works in London alot of the time so consideration has had to go into juggling childcare requirements and hours of work, it has been stressing me out massively and my anxiety levels have really peaked over the last month or so. I have always been quite an anxious person but it's been particularity bad recently. My emotions have been through the roof, I have spent alot of time sobbing, sometimes openly, sometimes privately and questioning (I don't want to leave my babies, how can I make this work to stay at home?), I then got angry (why me, why do I have to leave them?) and then I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't do alot about it and in my husbands words I'm just going to have to 'suck it up' (cheers love). I guess the bottom line is yes I am going to have to suck it up but it's the suckiest thing ever. 

I found myself apologising to both children tonight that after 9 months Mummy can't be with you all the time now and it absolutely breaks my heart. I'll get over it, of course I will but for the next couple of days I'm going to hate myself. 

Apologies for the long and very depressing post. Normal up beat service will resume soon but thanks for reading if you go this far!

UPDATE: Seeing as this was rather a depressing post I thought I would let you all know that I'm surviving! As predicted the thought of returning was worse than the actual return, as I thought the journey is an absolute killer taking me more than 90 minutes each way :( I'm counting down till I am actually doing my job 15 minutes away from my house now! 

43 comments:

  1. Oh honey, that sucks. Not sure I can say anything useful but sending hugs and hoping tomorrow goes as well as it can for all of you xx

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  2. Aaaahh bugger! I really hope the days fly fast for you. It is gut wrenching and difficult leaving little ones, but a reality for most mums. We know they will be fine; look after you xxx #fartglitter

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    1. and now #bestandworst...glad it went OK..xxx

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  3. I have been through the same twice, it is so hard and pulls at your heart, as you say the kids will be fine and love nursery, I really believe it benefited mine, yet I missed them so much returning to work. Do what is right for you all whatever that is. I gave up work on number 3, we sold up and bought Coombe Mill, radical I know but working with my husband from home on our family business was the perfect compromise for us. Do what is right for you and the kids will be fine whatevert that is. Big Hugs for those first few weeks back at work, the fact no one asked after my children I found the hardest thing, silly after all why should they? They were nothing to do with work. #MarvMondays

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  4. I really hope all goes well this week lovely and as I said on FB; it will get so much easier and become normal. Plus the littlies hugs will be legendary xx #fartglitter

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  5. Oh no, so sorry you feel like this. I found that after going back to work I was a better mum as I had more patience and enthusiasm for the time I did have with my tot and wasn't so burnt out after being with him all day. Try not to feel guilty as your littles wont be holding it against you. It will very very quickly become the norm for them.
    Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter x

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    1. Popping back again for #bestandoworst. Hope you're in a happier place now xxx

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  6. Ah this sounds miserable. Sorry that you are having to go back more days than you would like. I'm sure that once you have a new routine established it will feel more manageable again, but wishing you all the best with the next few weeks. #Marvmondays

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  7. So glad it wasn't as bad as you thought! I remember pretty much dreading returning to work for my whole leave and wish I had enjoyed it more as returning wasnt so bad. I just wish we all had the choice to stay home with our kids, especially whilst they're young! #bestworst

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  8. In tears reading this. I think so many people can relate. I'm glad it's getting a bit easier. #bestandworst

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  9. Its hard when you have to go back to work, but dont want to. I hope you manage to get back intonit quickly, and set up a routine so that it causes you less stress and anxiety xx #Bestandworst

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  10. Thinking of you lovely. Each day that passes it does get easier. My son goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week and absolutely loves it - even if I was a wreck the first morning I took him!!! #bestandworst xx

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  11. After 18 glorious months of maternity leave, I've just returned to work too. It is not as horrific as I had imagined but I desperately miss my boy every day.

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  12. Oh bless your heart, what a difficult time. Change is always so daunting but once everyone has adjusted you will all be fine I'm sure.

    It wasn't overly kind or tactful for your colleague to post that her kids are more important because for some women returning to work isn't a choice but a financial necessity. Or, in my case, an emotional necessity!

    Also I noticed what you said about making up for mistakes you made with your son? I'm sure you didn't make any mistakes with him at all! We are all doing our best and that's more than enough :)

    Best of luck with the transition, I'm sure things will look brighter in a few weeks when you are settled into your new routine x #fartglitter

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  13. thanks for sharing your experience. I remember working the first 6 months of my childs life and i hated it. my x forced me to work and i missed Sylvia like mad, I can only imagine how hard it is to return to work and leave your babies behind. Angela from Daysinbed

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  14. I really feel for you Helen, I work in the eveing 4 days a week and every saturday morning, I been doing this since mid October and I have evenings where i don't want to go to work and leave Logan even though I know he will be in bed for half of my shift. I just have to remind myself that it is good for me to have that time away from mummy mode. #bestandworst

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  15. Oh no! I'm already feeling this, and I've still got 7 weeks to go! I hope your placement away from home goes quickly and please don't feel guilty, you are doing it to make a better life for your family. Sending hugs xxx #bestandworst

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  16. I'm so glad to read your update and find out that the reality was not as bad as you thought, because you just sounded so miserable in the body of the post. And I can totally understand why. I've dragged my maternity leave out as long as possible and there's not a bone in my body that wants to go back to work and be separated from my baby, but we can't survive on one income forever. And honestly, I'll never be ready so I just need to get over the mental hurdle and dive right in, as you did. Well done!

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  17. Sending big hugs! It's awful isn't it, I've been back at work for 2 years now and I still find the drop off hard. Glad you survived xx #bestandworst xx

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  18. Aw I am glad you are coping now. I left my little boy when he was 6 months old, and even though I hated it it was the best thing I ever did as he loves nursery so much. As you know, having already done it once before. Just means a whole new routine to get used to. Good luck and I hope it all continues going well #bestandworst

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  19. That's grim. No advice to offer except the hope it does get better and easier over time. And tea and biscuits. And hugs.

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  20. Sending hugs lovely. It is awful having to go back, but your little ones will soon settle, and you're working to give them a better life. Well done for getting through the first day. However heartbreaking it feels, it's only for now. All of this will fade as you settle into your new family routine and find your new normal. Thinking of you x

    #bestandworst

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  21. It gets easier hun. I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing that, but it really is the truth

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  22. Good luck on being able to work closer, that is a nightmare commute :( hope you continue to adjust to your work schedule and the kids to theirs, I am sure they will adore mummy time even more and your family time will be treasured greatly... #bestandworst x

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  23. Aw nooo, I hope you're feeling a little bit better today! I know it's tough but I would look at the positives, at least you don't have to work a full week (like I will when I return to work) AND you had 9 months! I only have 4 months maternity leave due to starting a new job only a few months before mat leave and therefore not getting any maternity pay. Although this was my choice so I have to deal! : ) The other option is that you could look into being a stay at home Mum later? A lot of Mums have said this to me and I'm not sure if it will help but apparently.... you need your baby more than they need you, as hard as it is to imagine, they will be okay without you. Anyway, I really do help your feeling better! I know what it's like to be an emotional mess (currently crying out of exhaustion everyday with a 3 week old, probably postpartum hormones or something : ) ) #bestandworst

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  24. Oh bless you, I completely know how you feel I am going back to work at the start of next month and I am dreading leaving my little girl. I am luckily only having to go back 2 days a week which is a bonus. I am pleased to read your update though and that you are managing and adjusting well. #BestandWorst

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  25. Oh this sounds horrible. It must be awful to want to be a sahm and not be in a position to do so. I hope it gets a little bit easier as time goes on. Thanks for hosting #bestandworst
    Debbie

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  26. You're so lucky to have had the time you've had - I had to start back when Little B was 9 weeks old which was tough, although I'm lucky that I mainly work from home so it doesn't involve going very far. I was so jealous of anyone who could have the year and wish I'd saved up in my 20s so I could have afforded longer! Hope it all goes well - it's hard going back however old they arex #bestandworst

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  27. Oh I really feel for you :( glad to read your update though and see it wasn't too bad x #bestandworst

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  28. Oh bless... If it makes you feel better, myself and two friends all left our jobs for various reasons last year and one by one they have all concluded they need to be working again... Which leaves me contemplating if being at home really is best for everyone... Grass is always greener sweetie xxx #bestandworst

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  29. I found this a difficult one too, I'm just glad I wasn't already living in the Nederlands when I had my two girls. Here in the Nederlands you get a total of 16 weeks (6 before the birth and 10 after - or 4 before / 12 after).

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  30. I was so glad to see your update at the bottom and that it wasn't as bas as you had feared. I too am a massive worrier so I completely sympathise.
    Hang on in there for the 15min commute. x
    #bestandworst

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  31. Oh this had me tearing up. I hope things continue to settle and not be as bad as you feared. But it is a hard transition and the end of maternity leave is totally rubbish for so many people. Thank you for sharing though...I imagine this resonates with lots of people. Thanks for hosting #bestandworst

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  32. Sorry it's been so difficult for you, but glad the actual return wasn't as bad as you thought. #bestandworst

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  33. Ah hugs hon but glad to read the update and know that it isn't as bad as you thought and will be even better when you don't have a killer journey added into the mix. The kids will be fine St nursery and no doubt they will grow up to be proud of their strong working Mumma so try not to let the guilt get you down lovely xx

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  34. Aaaah, my heart just broke for you reading this... But I'm glad its not quite as bad as you thought, it seems that the thought of things is always a lot worse than the actual doing. I was lucky enough not to return to work after my second baby, and like you, I had a nursing job, and have now let my registration go. A lot of people have said the same to me as you mentioned, about not wanting to have wasted 3 years of training, but I could always do return to nursing, although I don't feel nursing is really where I want to be anymore, so at the moment I'm not too worried. Hopefully you can reduce your hours when you've settled in (throw the work/life balance policy at them!!) it always used to be quite easy to alter your hours where I used to work, hopefully it will be the same for you. xx
    #bestandworst

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  35. I really do know how you feel. Sending you big mummy hugs and hope it gets better for you #bestandworst xx

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  36. I really do know how you feel. Sending you big mummy hugs and hope it gets better for you #bestandworst xx

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  37. Oh no this is making me well up, I think leaving your kids for the first time when you go back to work is one of the hardest things ever. I HATED it with Ava and found it nearly as back with Thea, though at least I knew what to expect second time around, which actually made it a little easier. I'm glad you added the update that it was kind of OK. All i can say is battle on and it will get a bit easier! You've done a great job being at home with them for the past 9 months, I always count myself lucky that we get such a long time in the UK (even though it doesn't feel like it) unlike in in America where I think they get 6 weeks! Becky x x #bestandworst

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  38. It's a sickening feeling isnt it. I returned to work in September after my second. I think I settled into motherhood a lot better second time round and bonded better with my baby. But the dread of returning was worse than reality and now we are in our weekly routine. It's heart wrenching but we have to do it.
    Love and strength.
    Vix x
    #bestandworst

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  39. I'm with you! I'm currently on maternity leave and want to stretch it as long as possible, but my husband's work contract is ending soon so I may need to return to work earlier than expected. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I imagine, but thinking about it stresses me out. It's hard to leave our babies! #bestandworst

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  40. Oh sweetie, how awful. I read my post and my heart went out to you. I could hear in yoyr voice just how much you were going to miss your two babies. As a working mummy of one, about to go on her second maternity leave this summer, I know I have this all to come :-( It was great to read at the end though that you are coping and surving. Hopefully like the first time round, it gets easier for you all as time goes on. Emily x #MarvMondays

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  41. Oh, I'm so relieved to read your update! I really was feeling for you throughout your post. I haven't gone back to work, so I really can't relate, I can only imagine and I don't like it! Fingers crossed your journey time improves and keep ticking off those day's til you're close to home again #bestandworst

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