Monday, 25 May 2015

The Truth about Giving Birth............

Oh wait......!!

Image courtesy of someecards.com
This is my 'I am never having another baby face'

The truth about giving birth from  my experience twice over. 

Giving birth is not glamorous or dignified in the slightest, those movie scenes where you see waters gush and contractions begin and a beautiful baby welcomed into the world with 2 pushes......nahhhhh that's not how it is for most people. Even K Middy will have left her dignity by the door delivering the pretty Princess. It's inevitable, a fact of life that babies will come through the vajayjay or via a sunroof delivery, either way at some point you're best of realising that every Tom, Dick (haha, my immature sense of humour had me chuckling while writing dick) or Harry will see everything and I mean EVERYTHING during birth. 

Let's start with contractions. You know they're going to hurt but seriously it's what I imagine being stabbed over and over and over again in the stomach......and the back.......and everywhere else. Bloody painful.

There is stuff that comes out of you and it just keeps coming, just stuff, gross stuff, fluid, blood, gunk you name it! Drip, drip, drip. All perfectly normal so I'm told, great as you feel like you're peeing yourself constantly.

You might shit yourself during labour. Fact. The shame.

The world and its son will probably have a rummage in your nether regions to see how dilated you are, whether the baby has dropped, if the baby needs a clip on its head to monitor the heart rate or you need a catheter etc etc. Like I said you leave your dignity at the door ladies, just remember to pick it up on the way out. 

The size of the epidural needle. If you decide to have an epidural, I advise don't look at the size of it. Imagine a knitting needle being stabbed into your back, yeah that. The end results are worth it though and it doesn't hurt as the nice Mr. Epidural man will numb you first (hopefully!).

You might need to be cut or tear.....I suggest googling episiotomy or 2nd/3rd/4th degree tear for more of an insight. Lush.

The first poo post birth. Enough said. * Insert swear word/profanity here*

Best get those granny pants ready cos you're gonna need them!! The size of maternity pads you need to wear you might aswell wear a nappy, be prepared to have your period fifty times over for the next couple of weeks (at least), nice.The joys are just never ending.

You'll be sore for a while after they say. No shit Sherlock, something the size of a watermelon has just been ejected via something the size of a doughnut  (or a toilet roll as the below shows). You might also start walking a little like John Wayne and end up having to sit on one bum cheek for the foreseeable future.

After pains are a bitch. 

Like it or not your lady bits are unlikely to be the same again. Pelvic floor exercises or no pelvic floors your vajayjay has now been used as an exit route, better start accepting it now. RIP vagina.



It doesn't just end with the birth, let's not forget that when your milk comes in your boobs will suddenly be like rocks, you'll be resembling some sort of human lactation device as your boobs start leaking milk and you bear an uncanny resemblance to Lola Ferrari.

Your hair will fall out once your hormones have settled so if you were lucky enough to enjoy thick and luxurious hair during pregnancy try not to get too attached as your hair will soon be lacklustre and thin, potentially you will also start to look like a spotty teenager again with spots appearing left, right and centre. So disappointing.

At some point a few weeks after birth mother nature will once again pay her monthly visit and she won't be kind to you. Expect the worst.

Of course how could I deny that giving birth is an unbelievable and incredible thing, what your body does is pretty special but why oh why can't it be simpler? I'm sure this sort of thing wouldn't happen in a Disney film!! 

MaternityMondays

47 comments:

  1. This is the most accurate thing I have ever read. The visual aid is a little terrifying thought, I must admit! There's so much I could say right now but you have got it down to a T, seriously. Omg, the back pain...I remember it so well...... Ray xx

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    1. Haha why thankyou I try to write it how it is! What's the point in sugar coating these things ;-) x

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  2. Love this post! I think they should show it to all teenage girls lol. Seriously it does hurt, it's not pretty but the result is worth it in the end... I think ;)

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    1. Ahh thanks so much Mel! It really does hurt, like a bitch!! x

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  3. Pretty much on point. Love this post!

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    1. Thanks Kellie, I'm hoping people don't find it too offensive hah X

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  4. haha having babies is such an elegant affair isn't it? Good job these gorgeous babies are worth all the pain isn't it! Great post, thanks for linking with #MaternityMondays! xx

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    1. Oh isn't it just....spread your legs dear ;-) X

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  5. This is brilliant....That visual aid is scary!
    This needs to be shown to people who are just about to have their first baby....hehehe

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    1. Haha thanks Kim and yes I think it may act as a slight deterrent lol X

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  6. OK that visual aid is scary! How can it get so big! lol

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  7. Glad I didn't look at the epidural when I had mine - I hadn't realised they were that big. That pic is scary though - surely there wasn't room to open that wide.

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    1. I know, I only googled it after and I'm a Nurse and didn't think it was that big, yuck!x

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  8. Quite brilliant! Reality is rarely what we see on TV and in films...but don't show this to any pregnant women...

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    1. Haha I know I feel I should have added a disclaimer.....

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  9. Ooooh as accurate as this is, I'm glad I didn't read it before I had my children ;-)

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    1. Haha I know, I think it may have made me think twice lol X

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  10. I'm petrified of needles, glad I didn't see the knitting needle!! Very accurate and funny post x

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  11. Made me laugh, very accurate!

    I am so glad I didn’t have the epidural though. Needles scare me more than the pain did.

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    1. I know what you mean, needles scare me quite alot but at that point I didn't really care much! x

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  12. Haha and yet somehow I've managed to forget all of these facts already? I remember seeing that visual aid a few weeks after giving birth, it's amazing and unbelievable at the same time. So grateful for the powers of gas and air! #MaternityMondays

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    1. I know, weird right? You kind of block it out of your brain! Ahh gas and air, thank goodness for that stuff :-) x

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  13. Oh god, i remember those after pains! I remember crying while feeding and thinking i was in labour all over again!

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    1. I know, life just isn't fair is it after going through birth and you have to suffer after pains too! Pfft. X

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  14. Oh my, ive never given birth and I feel as though my pelvic floor was pushed to its limit whilst reading that with the amount of squeezing I was doing x

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    1. Lol, glad to see that you're preparing your pelvic floors! x

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  15. after two c sections I am feeling very relieved right now!

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  16. my first picture is not so glamorous eithr, are they meant to be? i looked all puffed up form all the laughin gas i had and becasue it was a water birth,i looked like a drowned rat lol all worth it though and nver say never i said that after 1st one now im on 4th

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    1. Nope I would say not! Wow 4th you're a braver woman than me :-D x

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  17. Really funny! I had a c-section after a long labour, he got stuck! and it hurt so much afterwards. Could barely move!

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  18. That visual aid is terrifying! And that's from a mum five times over...ah yes my, whatyacallit, vajayjay is well and truly destroyed forever. I did actually enjoy the whole experience though...of course I did, five times!!!

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    1. Wow 5! As said above you are a braver woman than me, go you!! x

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  19. Well this just brought back memories lol and oh so true! I didn't really easlise how wide teh cervix would stretch! Enough to put anyone off :)

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  20. That visual aid is rather entertaining! My labour was 47 hours as my daughter got stuck on the way out. Joy of joys!

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    1. Haha, sorry!! Oh you poor thing I thought 32+ was bad enough for my first! x

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  21. This is making me cross my legs and I'm having unwelcome flashbacks!!! Thank you!

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  22. Ah it's so glamorous isn't it. tearing, dripping, bleeding, screaming awesomeness - the scary thing it that is it actually worth it!

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    1. Oh yeah so blooming glam lol and yet you're right, so worth it :-) x

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  23. oh dear god .. being that image of sizes is actually scary! .. it certainly made me cringe lol

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    1. I know lol, it makes me feel all funny looking at it haha X

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  24. Oh my - the visual pics made my eyes water and I've had four children!! Kaz x

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