Friday 21 March 2014

Mummy Guilt


Today I suffered the worst kind of Mummy guilt. 

The morning started off as it normally does, a mad rush to get ready and out of the door and Alfie to nursery and then to work.

I dropped Alfie at nursery as usual and this morning just as I was about to leave he put his arms up to me for a cuddle, looked at me in despair and sobbed. My heart was literally ripped out of my chest, he's usually absolutely fine with no tears or any drama so this was all new to me. Instead of picking him up, cuddling him close and feeling his warmth I had to watch his nursery key worker pick him up and comfort him while I simply turned my back, whispered 'bye trouble' and left to carry on my day. 

On my drive to work (generally about 25 minutes) I tend to dwell on things and mull things over, I just felt helpless, here I am working full time to utilise my skills that I spent 3 years studying for and money that I know we need while my little boy is being looked after by other people. It's just such a catch 22 situation I want to be with my precious little boy because before I know it he probably won't need me but then on the other hand I want to work because I enjoy my job and I enjoy working. I have to point out that he is only in nursery 3 times a week as I knew that when I agreed to full time hours I still wanted him to be at home for 2 of those days so my parents look after him on a Monday and my husband on a Wednesday which makes me feel slightly better about things. 

As I'm driving around I see lots of Mums pushing their little ones around and I admit at times I feel this jealousy boil up inside me and I wish it was me pushing Alfie to the shops or meeting friends for lunch or just having a nice long walk together. I have to remind myself that I want Alfie to have nice things, I want us to go on lovely holidays and for him to have great memories, perhaps in the future I'll cut my hours down slightly so we can spend more time together but then by that time I guess he'll be at school! 

I also have to say that even though leaving him at Nursery can be, at times excruciatingly painful I know that he loves it, he's come on leaps and bounds since going and he's always happy when we pick him up, full credit to the nursery too the staff are all brilliant and I do always feel that I trust them when I leave him there. 

I think for the moment it's just going to be one of those ongoing battles in my head that will bother me for a long time, I now cherish my weekends off with him and love weekend cuddles. 

I should also say that yes I do work full time as well as all the other things that I fit in around this but ultimately I am proud of what I do and what I have achieved. 

Thankyou for reading as always!
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10 comments:

  1. Helen its agonising to leave your kid like this but kids get distracted very easily, you did the right thing , instead of hugging him and cajoling him you let the nursery worker take him away and he probably got engrossed in a toy or something and didn't dwell on it.

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    1. You are right and I'm assured by nursery that he is absolutely fine as soon as I've gone haha. X

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  2. It's tough. Women get a tough time with people thinking we 'want it all' when really it's a shame we have to fight for it all. I understand what you mean about the guilt but your doing what you do for him and for you. He knows you love him and I'm sure he comes before anything. Don't beat yourself up. You are literally superwoman!

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    1. Thanks so much I do feel a bit like Superwoman at times haha. :-) xx

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  3. I felt exactly the same! I was still studying when I had my little girl and working so she was in nursery full time from around 6 months old so I missed quite a bit although the stuff she learnt at nursery was amazing! Once I finished studying I cut her hours down to only three days a week so she could still have interaction with others but then I could spend a lot of time with her. It is awful when you see them wanting you as you're about to leave and I would dwell like you on the odd occasion it happened but I suppose to offer our kids a better future we have got to make sure we work for it. Don't be too hard on yourself, he loves you more than anything in the world and he knows you love him more than anything too xx

    Charli | Secrets Behind The Closet Door

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    1. Thankyou for your lovely comment, I keep having to remind myself about what I'm working for :-) x

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  4. Aww I remember the guilt well. Stacey used to cling to my leg every morning when I went to work. For 9 years she made me feel guilty bless her heart. Now we have Oscar too and it's been impossible for me to return to my old job she tells me that she misses spending quality time with Nathan (their dad). As a mum we can never win and I think you're doing just fine. It will always be hard but we get through these things.

    Fingers crossed that next time you leave him at nursery he'll be alright and you'll find yourself wondering if today really happened :)

    Louise x

    Confessions of a Secret Shopper | An Undomestic Goddess

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    1. I think it's just one of those things that he's going through at this age. Thankyou for your lovely comment :-) x

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  5. Oh it is so hard. We had similar for 3 months when Harry started at nursery. He went despite neither of us working due to the circumstances as he got additional 2 year old funding. We had to do all sorts like switch his hours, have a lot of short sessions building up and I was so close to pulling him out completely. Now he absolutely loves it yet we still have the odd time when he doesn't want to go at first but enjoys it once he is in.

    So hard isn't it?? xx

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    1. It really is hard :-( I always feel reassured when I see him smiling when I pick him up after work though :-) x

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